I remember quite clearly at about age 18 a voice inside my head spoke to me and said "you must be a lesbian”. I had been having some romantic thoughts and feelings towards a friend who I was really quite obsessed with. So began the battle in my sexuality.
I married at 19 but the struggle with my sexuality continued throughout my marriage. After ten years the marriage ended- not primarily due to my sexuality struggles, but that’s another story.
I chose to seek a female partner. The woman I entered a relationship with was heavily involved in the New Age and Eastern religion. Her insistence on my involvement in her practices caused such conflict inside my soul that it felt like the powers of light and dark were waging war within me. You see, as a teenager I had responded to the gospel. Even though I had not walked with God and had explored many spiritual paths and probably believed all paths lead to God I could only ever go a short way down any path before I sensed the evil. God had his hand on me.
In my turmoil I cried out to God and God responded to my cry for help. He spoke clearly and distinctly through the Bible. I began a relationship with Him.
God didn’t convict me of my sexual sin straight away, but after a few months of hearing His voice leading me in amazing ways He did convict me. Conviction came not with a big stick but in love and gentleness. He showed me that my sexual sin was mastering me and if I wanted all that He had for me I would have to lay it down. The love He had for me was so far over and above any human attachment.
He used 1 Cor:12.:12"I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything."
I love the previous 3 verses
9Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men[10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.11And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
I repented and I was baptised.
But my soul continued to struggle.
So began the untangling. God has and is taking me through a journey towards wholeness. Through His Word, dreams and visions, ministry and Godly relationships He has brought me to the point where I can stand here healed of shame and share openly with you my journey.
Do you know how much the devil hates that? I want to kick some devil-butt "They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.” Rev 12:11
I want to confront one of the devil's biggest lies- one that is very prevalent right now and influencing the moral fabric of our society. The lie is that people are born gay. Kevin Rudd articulated this as the reason that he changed his opinion in favour of gay marriage. Unfortunately some Christians are falling for it too. People use it to justify homosexuality in themselves or others. They argue if God made people gay then He cannot possibly disapprove of homosexuality. God did not make anyone gay. Nobody is born gay. There is no gay gene.
Homosexuality cannot be compared to skin colour or gender which God did ordain. Homosexuality is behaviour rather than a God given identity and as such is more akin with the rest of the list in 1Cor 6:9-10 -sexually immorality, idolatry, adultery, thievery, greed, drunkenness, slander, and swindling. Should we have anti discrimination laws specifically for drunks or adulterers?
So why then do people think they are born gay?
Why did I think I was a lesbian?
Early on my journey towards wholeness someone shared with me the picture of our lives like a river. God has a good plan for our lives including healthy heterosexuality but the devil also has a carefully crafted plan to divert us from God’s good plan. Like large boulders in the flow of a river things happen in our lives that alter its flow. Sometimes things happen at a very young age and are so deeply embedded in our subconscious that we think they are part of us, that we were born that way. It is our reaction to the event rather than the event itself that is more significant. People can go through similar things and have completely different reactions. Diversions away from healthy heterosexuality don’t always lead to homosexuality but can also include things like promiscuity, pornography and frigidity.
Everybody’s journey is different. Let me summarise some of the events in my life that led me to believe I was a lesbian. These are things that God has revealed to me and untangled and healed in me. I have forgiven and been forgiven.
1. Abandonment as a newborn
2. Lack of attention and affection from my father
3. Sexual abuse by a man at a very young age
4. Painful shaming experiences at the hands of teenage boys at age 12/13
5. My mother’s alcoholism from age 9 which left me with legitimate unmet needs.
6. My own rebellion. Deep down I knew what I wanted to do and was about to do was wrong before my first sexual encounter with a woman.
From my experience I would summarise most people’s diversion into homosexuality as being characterised by lack of trust in the opposite sex (particularly for women) and/or unmet legitimate needs from the same sex.
I have found some things crucial to the journey.
1. Cultivate intimacy with Jesus. When we are absorbed with Him there is no room for sin. He is the satisfaction of our hearts desire.
2. Transparency. Find safe places and confess your struggles and pray for one another. Walk in the light. James 5:16: 1John 1:7
3. Stand in forgiveness. Don’t let the enemy pull you back into shame.
4. If you sin, return quickly to the Lord. 1John 1:9
5. KNOW THE FAVOUR OF GOD!
And when ministering to those who struggle
1. Be careful not to cast stones. Remember from what you have been saved.
2. Love without fear. Perfect love casts out all fear!
3. Regard no one after the flesh. Find the treasure within and draw it out.