I grew up in an abusive family both sexually & verbally. My family used to call me a boy when I was little because I have a deep voice even though they named me with a girlís name. My own cousins (boys) and some of my own brothers sexually abused me in different ways.
As I grew up as a teenager I started to have weird feelings which attracted me to girls instead of liking men. Through my high school I pretended that everything is ok with me and was ashamed of having these feelings towards pretty girls. My first time I slept with a girl was when I was at Tertiary Level.
I realised that as I grew in age the more attraction and feelings were that I had strongly towards girls, to the point where I couldnít control them any more. I ended up trying to be a nun, because I was a former Catholic, to hide all these but it didnít work out. I even tried to be a 'goodie' girl joining every religious group but still didnít work out. When I knew that I couldnít handle it any more, I end up drinking, taking drugs (marijuana) and smoking cigarettes.
One thing that really attracted girls to me was when I sang karaoke in nightclubs and dressed up as a boy and got a haircut and girls thought I was a guy. I was chasing attractive girls for more than six years of my life before I first came to know the Lord Jesus Christ in 2003.
I had a boil in my throat where I couldnít eat, drink nor talk for three days. My mother told me to repent because Iíd done all sorts of bad sins in my life but I hardened my heart because I didnít want to repent, until I almost died on the third day, then I repented. My parents had taken me to so many of our local doctors but nothing worked for me. On the third day I cried and prayed inside my heart "if thereís a God out there, then heal me!Ē And I repented from every sin. After five minutes after that prayer God answered my prayer and I was healed within two days.
The first time this lady touched my throat she said "I donít know why you still live?Ē Then she continued to say, that God has a great plan and HEís going to use me mightily. While this lady told me this I didnít understand what she was talking about because it was a mystery to me talking about GOD like this, in those times because I was a Catholic.
On the second day of my healing I asked this lady, what did you do to heal me? She told me I only touched your neck but God is your Healer. This was the first time I was introduced to the Greater, Living GOD that I am now serving.
After I was completely healed I was searching for this GOD that this lady was telling me about. I entered a Bible School to Study the Bible for a year. As I studied in this Bible School I left the Catholic Church to attend the Gospel Church. Whilst at this church I ended up being attracted to a lady and slept with her.
I left that church again and attended a Pentecostal church. I attended that church for five years but still I had the old habit where I couldnít control my feelings. I backslid again because I couldnít handle that life thinking that church is not for me.
I was worse with what I was doing when I backslid than ever. I ended up drinking from Monday to the next Monday. Whilst I was enjoying my alcohol I even ended up in the psychiatric room in the hospital. I suffered for three months taking the drugs that the doctor gave me and I threw these away because they affected my brain. While this happened, I met this guy who became my drinking partner and he got me pregnant. I never knew that this guy was married until I got pregnant and he told me to abort the baby and I told him "NO way because itís not the babyís fault itís his and my faultĒ.
In 2007 one of my friends who a Christian asked me to do a video for them at a funeral. This funeral was for a Christian girl who had just died. On the burial day the Pastor was preaching on salvation and heaven and this is where I recommitted my life to Christ.
Since then I still had my old nature of being a lesbian where I usually failed in my walk with Jesus. Iíve been through so many churches trying to have the answer and have someone to help me get out from this kind of life I was. Thatís when I started to contact Shirley Baskett through my former Pastor.
I sometimes thought that was not possible to come out from the pit I was in. Having read Shirleyís testimony it really awake my soul knowing thereís a hope in this situation Iím in even though Iím still struggling to get through my failures.
John 3:4-6 says, "Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness. You know that He appeared in order to take away sins; and in Him there is no sin. No one who abides in Him sins; no one who sins has seen Him or knows Him." This scripture really is a sword that cut through my heart and I cried to God and said "but Iím still looking and trying to find you". The voice that I heard that I sensed was God saying, "people knew me by their lips but not their hearts..Ē I cried even more and asking God that I want HIM in my heart.
Now I realised that the only reason why I tossed to and fro from my old habit because of bitterness, hatred, anger, unforgiveness, complaining, blaming games towards those that sexually abused me when I was little. I even blamed God for not protecting me when I was little but God has a plan for everything no matter what, HEís still faithful and just.
In Romans 1:21 it says, "For even though they knew God, they did not honour Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.Ē This scripture really gripped my spirit and I cried for mercy & forgiveness. My own conviction is that I knew God and saw HIS goodness and all but I gave no word of thanks to HIM but instead was complaining all the time. All that God wants from me is a simple thanksgiving but I was busy mumbling etc.
The last scripture that really gripped my spirit was in Romans 2:5 it says, "But because of your stubbornness and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God.Ē This really stirred something serious in my heart with this revelation that opened my eyes. The understanding that Iíve received from this verse was that Christ died for my shame, guilt, past failures and whatever background I was brought up with, so thereís no reason for me to go on with unforgiveness etc. For doing all this I was just adding up wrath to the day of wrath.
The final thing that lightened up my spirit was the revelation of the judgment day which drew my attention that it will be easier if mankind will forsake me here and now, but if God was to forsake me on the judgment day, I would be without hope any more and it would mean spending life after this life, in hell. This really affects my spiritual life and it takes me to another level of worshipping God like never before.
Iím not saying that Iíve done away with these old feelings, or that Iím perfect, but Christ in me will continue to fight until HE comes to take me home again. Thatís the awesome hope that I have as I continue to win more souls to Christ through HIS Holy Spirit. Amen.