God sure has been blessing me and I wanted to share my past couple of months in my journey.
Last year, I was doing the whole roller coaster ride, feeling great one week, and then as lost and 'struggling as ever' another week. Certain things like the books I was reading, the sermons I was listening to and some seminars I went to (like the talks Exodus organised) gave me big boosts and helped me strive to be healed and free. Yet in my low times, I so often had no energy to keep fighting it, and in a way I felt my desires do a 360 and wanted to give in to my feelings. I'm sure this must be something many people experience.
This ‘up and down’ of emotions lead me to seek counselling help again, which honestly was something I didn't particularly want to do, but I was again running out of options. So about late October last year I contacted a counsellor and was recommended someone who has experience in helping people with SSA; although I found out on my last session that he had never counselled a woman until me.
So I went to see him and cried all through my sessions! But slowly we made progress. I was almost getting frustrated by him constantly asking me, "so what was that like", "how did that make you feel", "why do you think that happened" etc... and I kept saying, "I don't know?" "I'm not sure"... in the end I said, "If I had those answers I wouldn't be here....". It confirmed everything I thought about counsellors or psychologists, asking those kinds of soft 'feelings' questions!!! But he understood I didn't know the answers and he was trying to dig for the answers together.
We made progress, and quite quickly. It was the second or third session when he kept probing and there was a stage where I felt my heart being opened up and layers being pulled back. It was quite surreal to be honest! It would take a while to retell what we talked about, but to summarize the main two breakthroughs were:
1) The girl I had not "gotten over" was still so much in my mind. And quite simply this counsellor told me that I had to "get over her" like any person would get over an ex. (He very rarely gave advice apart from on this occasion.)
I found this really hard to do because I didn't want to consider her and me as being in a relationship because I felt so guilty about it and knew it was wrong. But fact is that it was a relationship. And in a moment when my black heart was open and all the layers were peeled back, the counsellor spoke truth into me and said that the relationship was over and I needed to move on like anyone does when they've been dumped or heartbroken. How simple! Why didn't I think of that?! I felt stupid hearing it, but while he was talking, I literally felt something in my brain disconnect. It sounds weird to describe it like that, but that’s how it felt.
I've been aware of the literature that indicates that our upbringing or life experiences dictate how our brain is "wired". Well, I felt the wire snap, and I knew it was a breakthrough. Praise God. The minute I left the session, I just prayed that those wires may be reconnected in a path that pleases Him, and I continue to hope and pray that. I have since not felt any connections to this girl and I feel free from her.
2) Then he asked me, "What would it be like to live life with no issue/ no problem with SSA?"
I had never thought of it that way so I couldn't really answer the question, but that was my take-home homework: to be in a situation and imagine what it would be like with no issue.
The more I did it, the more answers came to me:
- I wouldn't feel so trapped and burdened.
- I wouldn't even think about the burden, it wouldn't even enter my mind; it wouldn't consume my everyday thoughts!
- I wouldn't feel like I had a secret when being around my family,
- I wouldn't have this constant guilt that only I was aware of.
- I wouldn't have a barrier in my relationship with God.
- I would be able to talk to girls without thinking about if I liked them.
- I could talk to them and treat them like friends without being cautious of whether I was creating a wrong impression.
- I could hang out with guys and be free to be me, and not feel unavailable because I have an issue.
These answers and more came into my head, and I'm sure it was Spirit lead because the more I thought about it, the more real it started to become. The only difference was, I was turning the thoughts of "I wouldn't have..." to: I AM FREE My mind is free and released!!I have no present secret that I'm hiding, I am myself to everybody and anybody!I I am guilt free and forgiven. I am barrier free in my relationship with God! And what is exciting is... when I hang out with guys, I'm available. That is a nice thought. I'll be honest and say that the thought of liking a guy is still quite foreign and I think it will be a process to grow in attraction towards guys, but all in good time.
So there you have it, the highlights of what has happened these past months and I couldn't begin to describe how wonderful I feel. I have since shared my story with a close friend and also the couple I opened up to a few years ago in another State.
Every time I retell it, I feel like its further cementing in what has happened, and it’s a huge excitement in my life. I know that this is just one step in my journey of life and my journey of a relationship with God, there are going to be more struggles ahead in many areas of life, but praise be to God that I got over this huge boulder! The work that God has done in my life in the last couple of years has been all for a reason and all heading to this result and hopefully more results. I am thankful to God everyday for the miracle He has done in my life!
My life now is great. I am still excited four months after my healing. I won't hide the fact that even though I feel different, I still have memories of the past. I do notice that my interest in entertaining those thoughts are far less and almost non-existent. I hope that the memories will dissipate and that more wholesome memories will be created to replace them, but I pray that God will protect me from attacks that we are all exposed to in this life and world.
Something that came from my last session with the counsellor was that it would be in my best interest, while this new found freedom is still fresh, for me to cease reading the books to do with this SSA and to stop seeking the website forums, newsletters and seminars. So I won't be coming to any events, but I'm still happy to keep in contact. The thought of being involved in a ministry in the future to help others interests me a lot, but all in good time too!!!
Let’s allow God to concrete all this, hey!