Will I or Can I Have a Sexual Response to a Woman?
by McKrae Game - Hope for Wholeness Ministries
*Pursuing a spouse, as a former homosexual or Same-Sex Attracted Man (Obviously this is written for men but many elements are for women as well)
Have you ever been in love and been intimate with a girl? This isn't sex or doesn't have to be sex, but pursuing her in your mind and real life, to consider being your wife. Asking her all about herself, planning the date, paying for her meals, treating her special (flowers, opening her door, etc.), holding hands, kissing, being close, and cuddling (but not undress in any way). Sex is actually a relationship killer. It puts the focus on sex and off the relationship. However, If you are overly platonic in the relationship, while having been full out sexual with men, I believe being overly platonic (not intimate) will be confusing for you and her both. At some point you will be expecting a sexual response without being intimate. She will wonder if you like her. In my opinion, that won't work. If you've not done this then you don't know whether you can or will have a sexual response to a woman. And if you've not found a woman you're interested in or in love with, you most likely cannot have or might not have this reaction.
When you've fed the gay side so much, like many of us, then we can't expect to be attracted like we are in homosexual relationships. It's the apple and orange. I actually left out explaining the key component in the comparison that I typically share. We all have imprinting but we can't or shouldn't compare right and wrong. There is a rush of adrenaline that's "fight or flight" when doing something our conscience knows is wrong. That's not there in something our conscience knows is good. This was what I was meaning by comparing bank robbery or shoplifting and working a job. There's no rush in a job, like there is in bank robbery or shoplifting. You're not doing something wrong. If you're used to bank robberies or shoplifting to support yourself, it's going to be a huge transition to work a job. Obviously getting out of prison is the first transition.
For the former homosexual that prison is escaping his or her own lustful addictions and wrong conclusions of pursuing a spouse. You should NEVER compare a gay relationship with pursuing a wholesome opposite sex marital partnership.
There's many components involved.
1. You have to work at and decide in your mind that you are man's equal and a woman's opposite. This will take time, work, counselling, and spending a lot of time with healthy men, doing normal life stuff together. You'll learn that you have more in common than you realized. It's equally important to distance your friendships with girls, not sharing personal details like girlfriends typically do. This is typical in many SSA or gay men.
2. You must decide in your mind that you want a wife. To do this, you must see girls as your opposite. (Over exposure to girls as friends can hinder this.) Know or at least believe that you want a mate.
3. Pray for her every single day. Start today. Pray for the relationship. It's easy to fall in love with love and it not be the right one. You don't want to be blind and marry someone that you'll regret. Marriage is for life.
4. Seek her out. Commit yourself to the process. That potentially means a bunch of bad dates. That means searching. Christian mingle, blind dates, asking friends and family for help.
5. Asking a girl out can be very triggering, but know that most guys struggle with this. It gets easier over time and experience.
6. You're pursuing a wife. Have this in mind the whole time. Ask her questions about herself. Everything you need to know. You should know very quick whether she is someone you want to pursue. It's not based on penis reaction. NO. It's whether you're enjoying yourself and she's enjoying herself.
7. Have fun. Dating is fun. You don't know if you'll have a sexual response unless you become intimate. I urge you to restrain from sex in any form prior to marriage. This keeps the focus on the relationship. It shows you value her. And, it takes the pressure off about sexual performance. If this is a huge deal to you, this is the flesh and possibly sexual addiction speaking, not your spirit in Christ.
8. Once you find one and you seem to like each other, get to know her AND her family. You're marrying them too. If they don't like you, they'll end the relationship. And she'll be a lot like them. How is her relationship with her family? Is she a neat or messy person? What's important to you?
9. Know EVERYTHING about her and let her know EVERYTHING about you. Do NOT get serious with a girl and her not know about your failings. BUT DON'T share too soon or you'll scare her off. If she finds out by someone else and asks you, obviously admit to it. I had several relationships end at this point, one I was in love with, at the point I told her. It was emotionally difficult for us both. Many tears.
10. Don't rush love. Don't rush to feel love or fall in love, feel "it", know "it," and don't rush using the word "love." I told Julie that I would not use that word until I've decided in my heart that she was the one I wanted to marry. It was a pre-engagement in using the word. I gave her a rose, it was a special time.
11. Dating to marriage should be about one year. Do premarital counseling with someone who is qualified or at least knows about same-sex attractions and homosexuality. I'd probably have two because that person probably doesn't exist. I can do the second part.
12. At any point you can end the relationship but it's a slow walk to marriage. If it ends by her or you--MOVE ON and quickly. Don't get heart broken. There's a lot of girls that are looking for a husband but they are very particular and they should be. It can be and frankly is a hard process. It's not about hooking up, it's mate matching. It's COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
13. Don't drag it out engagement or marriage. Don't use excuses for dragging it out like paying debt off or the right time but don't rush it. One to two years from starting to date is a good time frame.
14. Save yourself for her. During this time, work hard to avoid pornography and especially acting out. It is very important to not act out. Though you're not married to her, she's expecting you to be loyal to her. Until she can accept your flaws (and that depends on the girl) you want to be careful here. If you have a fall with someone, you've probably killed the relationship or deeply injured it. You'll have to admit to this fall before engagement or after but BEFORE marriage.
15. Put Jesus first. A woman worth having will want to see that you treasure her but will want to see your relationship with Jesus and your story and life with Him. She is just a part (an important part) of your life and life to be but do NOT make her an idol.
If I just overwhelmed you, welcome to big boy school of dating to mating. It's a BIG reason people get divorced. They didn't take the pursuit of marriage seriously. It is.
I found a good woman and have a good marriage because I took it seriously. I love Julie. It's not about sex or sexual attraction. That came later as a part of the process. We had fun and enjoyed ourselves and we still do. Twenty years into it, it's not about having fun but we still have fun. It's about daily doing life together. Some days it's fun, some days it's hard. But we do it together.
Follow this, and I believe you can find a wonderful woman IF you desire a companion and are ready. Habitual failures with acting out can and will sabotage this process in your heart and mind.
I prayed ever single day for five years, "God prepare me for her and prepare her for me. You called me a sheep, don't let me miss her." In the end, it was Julie letting her desire known that helped me. I needed that at the time. Praise God!
Put past failures behind you. Deal with your stuff and have fun while seriously pursuing a mate. Please don't make it about sex or sexual response. That will come in time.