Back in the early 1980s, sex was still taboo for many people in Chinese society. I did not know why, but it happened that I had strong sexual feelings toward men. I had weird sexual dreams at the young age of ten. I dreamt about having oral contact with other men’s genitals. I knew nothing about being 'gay.' I worked hard to bury this secret, but it kept coming out. I resisted this hidden part of me and I denied it, but it was so real to me.

Later I developed a habit of wandering at toilets, looking at men. Late one afternoon in 1987, I was sexually seduced and performed oral sex on an adult man. I was confused. I could not process the invitation he offered. I experienced a ‘push’ from inside, my curiosity of experimenting with sexual desires. I was thinking, “I had been fantasizing such moments for so long. He was gentle and kind to me, and I wanted this love and concern.” I found myself feeling very dirty, shameful and frightened afterwards. I did not tell anyone about that first encounter until many years had passed. 

One moment I felt good and sexually satisfied, the next moment I felt terribly bad about myself. That was how I suffered low moods. The unresolved guilt was torturing me and I continuously hated myself having those homosexual feelings. With this secret struggle, my self worth was shattered. Were the frustrations about the lifestyle, sexual addictions and emotional disturbances the main reasons that caused me to want to get out of the lifestyle? Half correct. Above all reasons, God was the main cause. I believed God had something more for the rest of my life

I thanked God for not abandoning me, even though I rebelled against God and had done many bad things. During my self-gratifying days, I let down many friends. One friend, Sylvia honestly rebuked me in saying, “I have been fasting and reading the Book of Hosea. I cannot comprehend God’s love - so wide and deep.” So, I started to read the Book of Hosea. When I read Hosea Ch. 2, verses 5-13, I saw my own mirror image:

She said, ‘I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.’ Therefore, I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.’ (vv5b-7)

I was convicted that I had been hurting Father God so much. My heart was undisciplined and my life was so broken. And it was time for me to go home to receive the unchanging love of my Father. Besides, speaking to me through the Bible, God revealed Himself to me in dreams. Once, I saw a nude man standing on the right, it surprised me that Jesus was standing on the left reaching out for me. He was calling in a sweet sound. I woke up feeling that I could not resist His love anymore.

On October 30, 1995, I confessed to my friend, Tammy. With her full acceptance, I re-dedicated my life to Jesus. On November 3, around 4 a.m. in the morning, after chatting with Tammy for five hours, we said a serious prayer together. Fourteen hours later, we happily started dating.

Within two years, God led me to an ex-gay missionary who was equipped with the correct understanding of homosexuality. He showed me with solid proof that everyone can leave unwanted homosexuality in the power of Jesus Christ. It was then that I shared the secret about what happened ten years earlier with the older man at the toilet. I still believed that I was responsible for that event. Now, I have learnt that I was sexually abused, even though I found fulfillment during the course of that event. 

I made a choice of repentance in 1995, and God has brought healing and life-changing power into my life. God never overlooked any small prayer. He accomplishes His work in His own time. I left the homosexual lifestyle several years ago. I have avoided pornographic materials, and won the significant battle with sexual fantasies. Now I am working with fellow people who have sexual struggles. Tammy, my wife, always supports me. We work together in the New Creation ministry.

I would like to talk a little more about my development of a homosexual orientation.

Mama’s Boy

I was raised in a normal grass-root Chinese family. My father and mother both worked very hard to make a living. We had enough food, but we did not have much materialistic enjoyment. I am the youngest of three children. I did not have many toys: a couple of toy soldiers, some animals and a few chess games. I remembered that I went to my neighbours’ to play with their toys. Two of my favourites were video games and cooking toys. Some of my childhood dreams were getting a big Snoopy bobo, sleeping with him on my own bed and going for a picnic with the whole family. Interesting though I did not like guns. I did not like the rudeness in other boys, so I rejected their ways of competing and fighting. I did not remember when I first rejected my own masculinity. Once in awhile, I stole my sister’s dress and lipstick and played with them. Childhood life for me was quite lonely and boring because I did not have any friends.

Character

As a result of family rules like ‘Do not make mom angry or sad!’ pleasing others became one of my drivers in life. My mother expected me to study hard. Therefore, I spent plenty of time staying home. Interpersonally, I was very dependent. I needed friendship and was desperate for love from friends. In elementary school, I felt “different” than other boys, so I would play with girls. I did not realize that there was a problem in my life, until I started to act out my sexual attractions which I had had since the age nine. I went to the public toilets for a few moments of sensual pleasures. This gradually became an addictive habit.

Father Deficit

In retrospect, the root cause of my same-sex attractions might have been the deficit of my father’s love. My earthly father was a distant father. He seldom talked to me. He disliked me and always disapproved of things I wanted to do. I feared him most, and yet waited for his love.

One weird experience happened to me. When I was small, I used to sleep on the floor. One day when I was four I remember my father arriving home and seeing him change his clothes. In this way, I was accidentally exposed to his private parts. The sexual attraction toward my father fixated and it generalized to other homosexual desires of seeing and touching male bodies.

A Bird Flew Into the Trap

When I was nine, my family moved away from the resettlement housing area. But my bad habit of wandering around public bathrooms continued (an open toilet without doors was a common design in some resettlement housing areas dated back to the 1970s). I did not know those places were dangerous. I had no idea that homosexual men usually went there to seduce other men or young boys for their sexual pleasure. Eventually I was sexually abused by an adult stranger when I was fifteen. He taught me and led me into this sexual world. In those days, neither HIV nor safer sex was shown on TV. Many years later, I started to worry about contracting sexual transmitted diseases. After the first sexual experience, and throughout my adolescent years, I was addicted to sexual fantasies and masturbation.

The Addiction Cycle

At thirteen, I thought I had known God, my true Father, and I hoped then that my problems would vanish. It did not happen as I wished. I sinned and I felt shameful and very sad. I prayed and prayed, and I worked as best as I could until I felt good about myself again. The wheel revolved and I was brought back to the lowest moods again. That was discouraging and tiring. My earnest wish then was to get unstuck. All through my church-going years, I was in and out of evil dens. I went to the church altar for purification rituals and a sense of comfort. However, I kept falling back to the same sexual traps over and over. Still I have to thank God – He is healing my wounds. Without God’s help, I do not think I would have passed this growth process.

A Good Friend

At eighteen, I moved on further into the homosexual lifestyle, pornography and cruising and having anonymous sex. As I fantasized more, my sexual appetite also increased. I led a double life and I wore a ‘sincere and devoted’ mask. No one ever noticed there was another ‘me.’ I tried to manage both of my lives together for many years. I did not keep any stable partners. I only fell into a one-way emotional relationship with a close friend at university. I became very dependent on him. Later I could not hold my sensations any longer. During a camp, I told him everything. That man was gracious and supportive to me, but he established a clear boundary with me and supported me. His unqualified acceptance of my whole self was helpful to me. That night he prayed for me.

A Spiritual Crisis

As I began to disclose my background, friends were deeply concerned about my future. None of them overtly criticized my ways or me. God actually put many loving Christians around me. Some of them even fasted and interceded for my spiritual crisis. Some admonished me in tears and with words of love. At the end of 1995, I repented and confessed my wrongs before two sisters. They accepted and prayed for me. It was the same day I made my crucial decision: I submitted to my Father once again to let Him lead my future days. I declared to myself that I wanted His unfailing love and renounced my own ways of searching for false love and empty acceptance among erotic relationships.

Special Providence -Courtship and My Wife

While there appeared to be no roads in the desert, God made a way. God sent His love to me through many best friends. Tammy was one of the special angels. After some adjustments in the first year of courtship, my communication and emotional fulfillment continued to flourish. Later, I received a gift from God. One night, when we were at the bus stop, waiting for the bus. I finally got romantic and sensual feelings of being in love. I told Tammy, "God answered my prayers. I have got romantic feelings of being in love when I gaze into your eyes." Though this did not come when we first started our courtship, it was ever memorable and unforgettable.

Tammy is generous, loving, cheerful and witty. Best of all, she has a firm foundation in the Word of God and is God-fearing in every way. She accompanied my road of healing faithfully all through the years. Without her help and God’s grace, I could not make it today.

A Caring and Healing Community

Since God led me to an ex-gay support group at the end of 1997, I have successfully dealt with sexual addictions and compulsive masturbation. I learned about the root causes of homosexuality. I experienced healing and profound acceptance from other men in the group. I was empowered to re-dedicate my life to Jesus and to strive to be one of his disciples daily. I believe every local church can become an instrument of grace and forgiveness in this special aspect of healing ministry.

As a former homosexual and major witness here, I am often asked, "How complete is your healing...really?" In reply, I can say it has stood the test of time and has borne the fruit of a blessed marriage. Since getting married, I have been homosexually tempted once, nearly five years ago. Even during that time, I resisted the temptation of further actualizing the desires. By God’s special help, I was enlightened by the truth and left that cruising place. In retrospect, God permitted me to face this trial to give room for further development of my character and faith in Him.

I did carry beyond my initial healing some feelings of inferiority, and desires for an older, stronger man to "take care of me." That too is now gone, and I see men as brothers, not as father or protecting figures. In recent years, God has built up my inner self and I have overcome fears of rejection. Now I can boldly share my testimony in public.

As a mature Christian leader, I maintain a good relationship with God. I naturally have avoided literature, movies and other situations which could arouse homosexual lusts. When they are encountered, as they will be, or when someone I am counseling describes the circumstances of a sexual fall, it does sometimes give rise to some sexual feelings. However, those are minor and are diminishing with the passing of time.