Holding Onto Hope, by Randy Thomas
Posted onSeptember 12, 2011
A friend messaged me on Facebook about his current struggle with homosexuality. He is seven years along on his Christianpost-gayjourney and is feeling discouraged. I have not included the whole message and changed his name to Fred for the purposes of this post. I am answering here by permission as well.
Hello Randy,
How are you doing? I hope well.
I am not doing so well myself. I regret that I write to you now when I am bad rather than in the good times as well. But I really need some words of wisdom or words of encouragement. As of late I’ve been seriously struggling. struggling to the degree that I did back in 2004 when I started this whole ex-gay thing.
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I don’t even know how to transition into what I want to say. (don’t worry, i’m not "coming out”) but its just not been a good time. i guess the best way to put it is that i feel hopelessly gay. in fact its what goes through my mind every day just about. every day as i see really attractive men jog past my window at work (I work next to a park by the intercoastal in a ritzy area next to a gym where attractive men jog shirtless) my heart sinks and i think to myself "ug, i’m so hopelessly gay.”)
I have already answered the how you’re doing question privately but again, thanks for asking Fred!
Right off the bat I have to say that the options presented so far in Fred’s message are depressing. No wonder he is struggling.
Personal identity is incredibly powerful and important. Gay vs. Ex-gay identity labels based on sexual feelings, bring with it a whole host of ideological baggage we really weren’t meant to carry … and don’t have to.Proverbs says that as a man thinks, so he is.Both gay and ex-gay identity labels (primary or secondary identities) are like ill-fitting clothes for the born-again believer.They don’t quite fit, a little too tight and narrow, and yet we wear them thinking they are the only options we have. They hide who we truly are, accentuate what we really aren’t, and do not compliment who God created us to be.
He created us for so much more. Our relational lives cannot and should not be reduced to sexual feelings or temptations.Our options aren’t limited to the alphabet soup of options (GLBTEx) … in fact those simply are not options for me.
By Faith alone, I am clothed in Christ’s righteousness. I want to abide in Him alone, not the comfort of a completely understood all encompassing label. I want to wear the identity He has bestowed on me. Such as "the righteousness of God in Christ” His "Beloved”, a "male … made in His image” and on and on. I am victorious in Christ, a new creation, not a victim of identity based politics and culture war.God doesn’t look around and say, "I sure do love my GLBTEx kid.” He says, "I love my child very much.”
the things I know dont match up with the things I feel. Its really driving me crazy. I have done enough reading and research to understand I wasn’t born gay and to understand what the root causes of my same gender attractions are. but still, they’re here now. in my walk I’ve had amazing times of victory where I would wonder to myself "was I really ever gay? or was I just confused?” today is not one of those days.
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I learned a long time ago that feelings inform and should never define. Feelings come and go. They are often deceptive, sometimes demanding, in defining the truth of reality or a particular situation.
Feelings based perceptions are not always reality but when our feelings lead us to action based on perception… whether it is true or not … the action is still very real. That’s whywe are created with both our head (intellect) and the heart (feelings, emotions).Some are led first by one or the other but if they don’t utilize both … they are asking for trouble. Some use one OR the other instead of both, on purpose, and that is just as foolish. Fred, I want to encourage you that I think it is a good thing you are accessing both your head and your heart. In fact, while painful, I am glad you are accessing more of your heart.
Usually when temptations occur there are one of two things happening (oftentimes both):1) Sinwhich is a part of this world and our fallen flesh and/or2) legitimate need. When temptations occur or increase I ask the Lord to reveal if there is a sin present and seek His love and grace to empower me to resist that sin and gain in spiritual maturity and wisdom.
And remember, temptation is not sin. It is as much an opportunity for righteousness as it is for sin. Jesus was tempted in every manner but never sinned.
I have also learned, in those situations, to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the legitimate need trying to be expressed.Once the legitimate need is revealed then I ask Him to show me how to meet those needs in a way that honors Him and will satiate my true needs in ways He created for them to be truly satisfied.
And if they aren’t satisfied, then I learn to rest in His abundant grace which is all the more present. That is the Truth, His amazing and abundant grace far outweighs my temptation, whether I "feel” it or not.
I also stay away from the lie that somehow any current struggle negates past experience in freedom.Current struggles do not negate past freedom. Do not let your milestones or testimony be stolen.
I am desperately trying to cling toProverbs 23:17-18where it says "do not envy sinners but continue to fear the lord for surely you have a future ahead of you, your hope will not be disappointed.” but I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. I prayed tonight with tears in my eyes that God come through for me quick because I don’t know how long I can cling to that promise.
Cling to Christ alone. You may be at the end of your rope but you cannot escape His love and grace … no matter what you do. Your "rope” is a very finite and limited so go ahead and let go of your timeframe and expectations. Fall deeper in love with God.His Grace, not your works, is more than sufficient.His love is far deeper than any earthly relationship … on purpose.
Why would God have to come through quick when He is already there?He has already provided for you and given you the faith necessary to stand on your own two feet in Him. It is you He invites to BOLDLY approach His throne of grace. Knowledge obtained only becomes hard-fought wisdom when applied in the face of being given every reason not to follow through.
More and more each day I feel like throwing in the towel. I think to myself "well… 7 years was a good run. it’s a decent try”
I’m not scared of growing old and alone. but I want to just fall in love once. maybe for a year. just once. and these years, my 20′s are the best time… but i stay home reading my books. just the other night I was with a group of friends talking about relationships and I didn’t have anything to say. when it came to me all I could say was that I’m happy with my dog? how sad I felt
With a loving tone I must say, that was said just like a true 20 something. With life expectancies reaching upwards of 80 years … you honestly think you have the rest of your life figured out to the point that your 20′s are your only "best” shot? I hate to be smiling as I type that but seriously …? You don’t know you will be given the opportunity to grow old, you don’t know if you will be alone, you don’t know that the 20′s are "the best” time.
An idealistic future does not make for present day contentment.I pray you will fall deeper in love with God and His Bride (the church.) It’s not the same as with another human, it is far greater … and richer. In fact, He wants all of us to know this whether we ever marry or not. It’s heart-breaking how few people know or truly believe this.
Cling to Him. Ask Him to reveal His love to you in ways that you know it is Him. He can and He will comfort, rescue and teach you.He does because He loves you.
One of the lifegroups I go to consists of five couples and me. I have been a part of this group for almost 5 years and the only times I have ever felt like the 11th wheel is when I wasn’t content in who I am or my relationship with God. In fact, I rarely feel like the odd man out today because I genuinely love these people.I love hearing about their kids, their marriages, their work, their frustrations with the soccer league and their everyday normal lives.When it comes to me I talk about my various friendships, my relationship with the Lord, my family, why ObamaScare should be repealed … we are friends because of our common unity (community) in Christ. Our love for Him compels our love for each other.
Fred, you can’t tell me the only thing going on in your relational life is your dog. And if that is true, even though I love dogs, you should feel sad. Put down the book and go hang out with the people God puts in your path. Be very intentional to shed comparison-itis and seek to love those people with a sacrificial and servant’s heart. Put their needs above your own. Christ wasn’t married, didn’t even have a dog … and He ended up saving the world for all who would believe.Identify with Him and not with what you don’t have.Fred, you aren’t God, thank God, but given this special station in your life and your amazing gifts, think of the good the Lord wants to do through you.Ask God to help you be content regardless of circumstance. (John 16:12-14) . Fred continues:
… I get the urge to just give up on everything. by that I don’t mean suicide (gosh no!) I mean, just close my facebook account, erase my contacts, change my phone number, deactivate my email …
Well, you could run away but that won’t solve anything. Running away is the manifestation of a decision already made.Regardless of what you do, God is always going to love you and pursue you.Regardless of what you do, my friendship will aways be here as well.
I keep in contact with a lot of people ive met at exodus throughout the years and so many of them are in the gay lifestyle now. sometimes I see their profiles and see how happy they look with their partners. I know its fake. I know they’ll move from one partner to another. but I find myself envying them.
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You don’t know that what they have is fake. We may not think that willultimatelybring them the happiness they seek but when I was gay it was the only happiness I had ever known to that point. But whether they are truly happy or not isn’t really the issue.As long as you are comparing your life to theirs, or anyone else’s for that matter, you will only provide the nourishment necessary to continue to build pride, discontentment and envy in your life.
Oh yes, I threw in pride.Comparison-itis always leads to pride or envy.
Your only contentment will come from resting and abiding in Christ. Not in what they say, not in what I say. You are a grown man so stand up in the Truth, put off the things that tear down, ask the Lord to reveal how to meet your legitimate needs and continue to run the race. If seven years were truly a good try … no one would live past their seventh birthday (think about it.)We are given a very personal lifetime to "run the race” set before us. Don’t shortchange God’s will for tomorrow.
advice? words of wisdom? a magic pill? referral to a good labotamist?
Fred
If you find a lobotamist willing to work on you about this issue, please let me know so I can call the police and have them arrested. I am sorry butspiritual maturity doesn’t come in a pill.It only comes in relationship with God and with others … just as He created for us to experience.
Fred, I know we aren’t the closest of friends but come on, we have been to Mexico together … you’ve heard me cuss in a church van once, we’ve laughed and friendly "debated” in several places around the country … I know you are a good man and I know you have many great gifts. As I shared with you already, many people at this point in their journey have the same type of struggles and issues. It’s the point where knowledge can either become wisdom through life specificapplicationor it can be a time for wandering in the forest of doubt and despair.
Please do not buy into the false dichotomy that you are either this or either that. You are you and from what I know,you are a good man.I pray that you will continue to press into the Lord and ask Him to reveal Himself and His love for you in even deeper and more intimate ways.He will.
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith,wehave peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.2Through him we have alsoobtained access by faithinto this gracein which we stand, andwerejoicein hope of the glory of God.3Not only that, but werejoice in our sufferings, knowing that sufferingproduces endurance,4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,5andhope does not put us to shame, because God’s lovehas been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
much love, Randy
